


Five Times Stephen Colbert Should Have Called In Sick

by bessemerprocess



Category: Anderson Cooper 360 RPF, Fake News RPF, Pundit & Broadcast Journalist RPF (US), Real News RPF, The Colbert Report RPF, The Daily Show RPF
Genre: 5 Things, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-03-21
Updated: 2008-03-21
Packaged: 2017-10-03 09:32:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bessemerprocess/pseuds/bessemerprocess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is a episode of The Colbert Report that never went on the air.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Times Stephen Colbert Should Have Called In Sick

1\. There is a episode of The Colbert Report that never went on the air. He'd wrenched his back doing something, well, rather stupid that he's not about to talk about over the internet. But, anyway, his doctor had proscribed him some pain pills and sent him on his way. He took the first two doses at once about thirty minutes before they started taping and by the time they got to the guest, even the audience could tell Stephen was higher than a kite. Which is how he ended up kissing Richard Dawkins full on the mouth before sitting down, putting his head on the table and passing out for six hours.

2\. The day Steve Carell is killed in a car crash, Stephen just can't bring himself to be funny. It's all he can do not to cry on national television.

3\. It's all Jon's idea, but Stephen is going to blame the Democrats. He's been awake for almost seventy two hours, the crew may have caught a few cat naps, but not many, and no one thinks to suggest that they cancel the show. It's the Democratic National Convention, and they're streaming live to the internet for the whole thing. Which means that millions of people have now seen him sleeping through the vast majority of the Daily Show cast writing lewd things on him (though he sort of likes the eagle Sam drew on the back of his hand.)

4\. He and Jon have been in the middle of a prank war for two weeks now. The Nation knows, and has been emailing him ideas. He'd gotten Anderson Cooper to go on the Daily show and steal all of Jon's pants, now he was paying. He didn't know how Jon had done it, but his script and prompters were all in Quenya. How Jon had figured out the elvish word for electoral college was beyond him.

5\. Jon books himself as Stephen's guest on the first episode after the Daily Show goes off the air. He bumps Aaron Sorkin, who ends up showing up anyway, and threatening them with Thespis. They lose the electricity right after the second commercial break. It's back in a minute, but then the graphic department is off cue and the prompters start throwing up stuff from last week. It doesn't really matter, because the audience is having the time of their lives and Jon and Aaron are baiting each other about Greek gods and canceled television shows while they try and work out the kinks. Stephen starts to wonder if they really need him to be there at all, when Jon turns to Stephen and says, "Aaron's next show should be about us! It's not like he has any qualms about stealing from real life."

Stephen laughs, and Aaron leans back in his chair, "I think it's a great idea. It's got television, politics, and a pair of friends my audience will insist are a loving, committed gay couple."


End file.
